From Whence, Fragment?

I Ate iPod Shuffle

I Ate iPod Shuffle

(Originally posted on erasing.org on 19 January 2005 in more-than-somewhat different form)

“Do not eat iPod Shuffle.”

Cautionary footnote at the bottom of
Apple’s iPod Shuffle page, circa Jan. ’05

No need to make a big kerfuffle

But yes I ate my iPod Shuffle

Before you give me attitude

Admit it, friend: It looks like food

Designed to be sashimi-cute

By egghead teams of techie fruit

Its very name a tiny veggie

(With prefix “i” to keep it edgy)

Such candy for my goo-goo eyes

So proudly pack-of-gum in size

This tour de force of très petite

I couldn’t help but HAVE TO EAT

I cast my Shuffle one last look

As both my hands with hunger shook

Then faster than a Mac reboot

I gulped it down like escargoot!

It tasted Great, to put it plainly

(Or shufflelicious, more Insanely)

Evincing a sublime bouquet

Of silicon and Chardonnay

But soon my heart did quickly sink

When crossed my mind a Different Think:

That light hors d’oeuvre of small device

Now found me feeling … not so nice

My stomach first did madly churn

Thus redefining Rip-Mix-Burn

I then was seized with steady tremors

Like squads of marching DRM’ers

My pulse began to race and pound

As all my skin in Aqua drowned

And pains beneath my solar plexus

Reduced my eyes to OS X’es

My sight grew dim, my blood grew thick!

I felt my Time approaching Quick!

My mind did go! My life did flash!

My soul did turn to Empty Trash!

Before I could to death succumb

(My look-and-feel now blind-and-numb)

Abruptly then to me appeared

A vision wondrous, vast, and weird:

A world awash in cute machines

And crammed with gluts of glowing screens

Where Land of Ire and Law of Moore

Make spirits sync and prophets soar

Where all shall freely feed and share

While finders Cook and keepers Kare

And not to yield — to seek, to strive

O what a time to be all Ive!

With that, a brilliant lightning bolt

Revived me with a sudden jolt

Then saw I through my joyful sobs

The floating face of old Steve Jobs!

His furious voice like thunder ripped:

You DARE defile the art I shipped?

You’re not supposed to eat that thing!

Just swallow all the MARKETING!

Yes, choke down all the Chiat/Day!

But TRUE ingestion’s not okay!

The iPod Shuffle’s not a snack!

DON’T MAKE ME GO GET WOZNIAK!

He stopped and into silence hushed

Severe as bars of Metal Brushed

Then faster than a broadband pipe

He vanished in a puff of hype!

I’m grateful Steve my problem fixed

But blessing it’s a sort of mixed

My order’s words’ a bit now random

(I under- hope can still you stand ’em)

this sing I song I end Before

to Thing have I One mention More

with cravings same If these you grapple

Take DON’T from THE me: EAT it APPLE