I Ate iPod Shuffle
(Originally posted on erasing.org on 19 January 2005 in more-than-somewhat different form)
“Do not eat iPod Shuffle.”
Cautionary footnote at the bottom of
Apple’s iPod Shuffle page, circa Jan. ’05
No need to make a big kerfuffle
But yes I ate my iPod Shuffle
Before you give me attitude
Admit it, friend: It looks like food
Designed to be sashimi-cute
By egghead teams of techie fruit
Its very name a tiny veggie
(With prefix “i” to keep it edgy)
Such candy for my goo-goo eyes
So proudly pack-of-gum in size
This tour de force of très petite
I couldn’t help but HAVE TO EAT
I cast my Shuffle one last look
As both my hands with hunger shook
Then faster than a Mac reboot
I gulped it down like escargoot!
It tasted Great, to put it plainly
(Or shufflelicious, more Insanely)
Evincing a sublime bouquet
Of silicon and Chardonnay
But soon my heart did quickly sink
When crossed my mind a Different Think:
That light hors d’oeuvre of small device
Now found me feeling … not so nice
My stomach first did madly churn
Thus redefining Rip-Mix-Burn
I then was seized with steady tremors
Like squads of marching DRM’ers
My pulse began to race and pound
As all my skin in Aqua drowned
And pains beneath my solar plexus
Reduced my eyes to OS X’es
My sight grew dim, my blood grew thick!
I felt my Time approaching Quick!
My mind did go! My life did flash!
My soul did turn to Empty Trash!
Before I could to death succumb
(My look-and-feel now blind-and-numb)
Abruptly then to me appeared
A vision wondrous, vast, and weird:
A world awash in cute machines
And crammed with gluts of glowing screens
And not to yield — to seek, to strive
O what a time to be all Ive!
With that, a brilliant lightning bolt
Revived me with a sudden jolt
Then saw I through my joyful sobs
The floating face of old Steve Jobs!
His furious voice like thunder ripped:
You DARE defile the art I shipped?
You’re not supposed to eat that thing!
Just swallow all the MARKETING!
Yes, choke down all the Chiat/Day!
But TRUE ingestion’s not okay!
The iPod Shuffle’s not a snack!
DON’T MAKE ME GO GET WOZNIAK!
He stopped and into silence hushed
Severe as bars of Metal Brushed
Then faster than a broadband pipe
He vanished in a puff of hype!
I’m grateful Steve my problem fixed
But blessing it’s a sort of mixed
My order’s words’ a bit now random
(I under- hope can still you stand ’em)
with cravings same If these you grapple
Take DON’T from THE me: EAT it APPLE